A car hit my car while I was driving one year and two weeks ago.

I haven’t been the same since in so many ways. From brain troubles to body pains. So many appointments with doctors. The eye doctor appointments were especially unnerving.

The experience has been very painful, changed my everyday life, and has changed my body- I know this because my clothes fit differently.

I haven’t done any Olympic lifts in over a year. I don’t run. I’m really careful with push-ups. I don’t push anything over my head. I tried that while I was trying to get back to the gym last fall and it only continued to aggravate my left shoulder pain. For some reason I could still do pull-ups and I love pull-ups so I was grateful for that pre-Covid 19. I haven’t done pull-ups now in all of these months because I’m not going back to the gym.

The moment that car slammed into my car I felt my body jolt in this awful way. I was in shock and by the time I got home, maybe 25 minutes after impact the pain started in my feet. And my head, the headaches started. All last summer. Every day headaches. Every day hard to sleep. Every day I felt like I didn’t know myself. I was finally diagnosed with a concussion officially on July 5th.

When I think of last summer I feel like a sad ghost.

The man who hit me had a moment in his car and he handled it aggressively and it changed my life.

I haven’t been out too much since March 14th, but when I am out I see and have experienced people driving too fast, with aggression, with spaciness. And I get it, we’re all really really going through a lot.

So please breathe, pay attention, maybe slow down, maybe look a few extra times. And take care of yourself and all of us. And wear masks.

 

xo

 

When I was 7 years old I started jumping into mirrors
To find it’s a secret but not a secret
It’s a feeling without a thought
It’s a separation
but also a connection to everything
to see yourself as floating nothing
but everything and ageless
What a silly thing- age
What a silly thing- a body
What a silly thing- these eyes I stare deeply into through a mirror
to then evaporate
into the wordless energy
I was free
I flew
I did nothing
I was unattached
I was love
I mattered
and didn’t matter all at once
It also scared that little child in the mirror so I didn’t do this too often
Oh but when I did

There will be no confession
Nobody likes that
Carded table
Is Confusion material
Under wraps and knotted in your hair
Rain makes me angry
I don’t want to feel this way
about you
Or at all
Butterflies crowd the train
Grateful for this colorful distraction
When the bird is called to lift the elephant somehow she shows up
I caught my own heartbeat and ran through sepia woods
ragged trees to leap and touch-
the kind of running where you can’t feel your legs-
the kind of legs that are so free
you can’t even feel them
or
recall the words
that made you start running.

Who will forgive you
When they get sick
Will you take your share
Who will you blame
If you find yourself alone
In the hospital
Kind professional strangers will whisper
their goodbyes to your life

You won’t be able to speak

Will you forgive yourself
Without your own last words
Without knowing how your ripples went
Where they fell
Who they killed
What will the last sounds you remember be
Will you overhear someone else’s end
Will you overhear hope
Will the never ending and frustrating sound of the ventilator fill your dreams
(You won’t know if you’re awake or asleep by then)
It’ll all be gone
The last things you’ll touch will be choking and un-soft bedsheets
The last thing you’ll feel is stubborn

and then empty because you couldn’t wrap your head around playing it safe
In your own home
Feeding yourself
Bathing yourself
Seeing a sunset again from your own window
For some reason you couldn’t do it
And people died
And maybe you will die from this
And no one will get to say farewell
or thank you
or I love you
You’re either stealing that chance for yourself
or someone else
And I can not bear it

Building freckles on my skin

I’m very busy

So take your time

It’s sweet here and the death hasn’t come too close

Chipped paint on my nails,

two month old birthday balloons still somehow hanging on.

I hope you have kindness, sweet smells,

and summer fruits are so near-

those are the things we can wish for

the taste of food we love

and our feet walking under flowers like pink clouds,

we can still talk to the birds and connect with mirrors

to feel all of this-

this way- in a way we never dreamed

I hope you have all you need

thank you for staying

thank you for staying inside

your brain is busy your brain is still your brain just can’t

to be a frivolous panda

to dream of a wedding

to survive the non-movement of time that moves

I dreamt of alligators, bigger than boats, crowding a river so their rough bodies and sharp teeth swayed the murkiest water.

And the only way through was deeper and darker down, I tried not to choke. I could only see green black and frothy bubbles unsure if it was my breath or the beasts.

I surfaced and woke up.

How about a list of 10 maybe weird or strange things that you love that you think are maybe strange and weird but other people probably maybe like them too.
(And if you make your list, please tag me so I can see them.)
 
1. I love large wrist watches. I don’t have one right now, and that’s okay, but I’d like one.
2. I could eat frosting every day with a little bit of cake.
3. I love lavender in food.
4. I love rose in food.
5. I adore balloons and party decor in the house all the time.
6. I love being quiet and staring at water- lakes, rivers, ponds, oceans- whatever. For hours on end.
7. I love wearing bathing suits and one day I dream of living in a place I can wear bathing suits in the sunshine most every day.
8. I adore murals and public art of mostly all kinds.
9. I love buying and wearing ridiculous dresses for no reason at all.
10. I love heart shaped everything and anything.

Do you have a re-wild

a do wild

a place to scream

Is the quiet inside rippling so thick that there is no sound

Did you drink or look outside

envying a bird

Paging through news scrambled words that equal fear and death

So with paper over your face and rubber hands

we can’t order the cake now

we’ve got to stay inside

Drifting days are unknown

in this time of rose incense

and empty museums

I hope when we hug again our souls will leap

with the stolen joy we’ve been holding safe

deep inside

along with the prayers

to the whole universe

that we would return to each other

just

like

this

a re-wild

so grateful to breathe in this world

with you

to see you

to feel you

we all understand this

and we owe it to all of the friends

who’ve died alone

 

I cried when we were together
You thought it was for one thing
My tears were for more things.
I’ve been wrong so much
I knew I’d follow California home
Between mountains where denim and secrets stay
I shouldn’t have made the cherry status
I shouldn’t have stopped you from singing
Little rabbit hides
and when she’s in the light
she’s like lightening – a flash and away.

Use it all up
scoop out the edges
and
forget it
just use it
use the knife
whatever tools you need
use it to give
or use it until it has holes
use those words
There are so many many many things to miss
you could make me fall for the desert and
love your heart
I want you
to see me

to use me all up