Here is a placeholder

for the thoughts in your heart

for late night talks

watching the stars time out

wish they were sloths

throwing innocent dragons in the air

pretending to be monsters

now monsters we know

are really there

my arms will always hold you like my baby

pray my words are always

with you

what you need to hear

love filled

love guided

help you climb your own mountains

descend the other side

your fears are human

your heart is the biggest

comedy

suicide

heated earth 

feelings with muscle 

flag your worries

negativity hurts your delighted soul

we search

and search

and search

to find our smiles

find your dreams

sweet child

find your dreams

His clown makeup is rock dust and blood

They fly

we die

The luck of a boy to have just one eye smashed in

not two

We could love you

imagine their eyes closed

bones crushed so flat there are no feelings

they float

Dream of favorite foods

petting soft cats

holding babies

eating sweets

dancing

Why think of the dead

crushed,

      burning,

           lost to time

When you have 

a keyboard

opinions

and fear!

Listening

to every star

that you only view from America

The scent of holy water

fills the street where she lives

like church every day

like amber to a girl who studies

silver statue catches spiders in the late day sun

we’re green as pollen

wind doesn’t change her

I asked for paper

she asked for records

I asked for photos

she kindly took them

if you know what confession feels like

memories of

mass on Christmas  Eve

always kneeling

holding your little fist to your heart

each time the bell rings

than I know that you know

the scent of holy water and incense;

these streets of spring

 

 

How did you die?

Working, bleeding,

starving, alone?

Did you die in your heart first?

Did you dream of gold?

Was there time to race the children

to believing

lies of happiness?

How did you die?

Was it in the fields under stars singing you home?

Were you loved?

Were there other’s eyes who saw your fear

decorated in uniform

among the religious

in the heat?

Did you fall into bloody mud

under blue skies

where birds flew by

and you’ve never been

so jealous of wings?

Was the fight gone from your soul?

How did you die?

Did you see regret in murderous faces?

Did you know you’d be mourned

by millions of strangers?

How many witnesses to the end?

How many

How many

I hear you rise when the rain comes

in forms of talking teeth

walking bones

weeping clothing

to roll our thoughts

to touch our foreheads

to plea for something more

How did you die?

Everyone’s high in denim jackets

This life will get away from me

Passing muscles

There was an attempted suicide

And a boring guy wearing a green jacket

Amelia tried to eat my sleeve

Made fun of a cool boy behind the bar

Made peace for the sake of it with a casually secretive abuser

The decay of gossip will catch up to him

Like a backwards speeding train

On Wednesday I followed a cop unintentionally

Finalized the night tipsy on rose

And burnt sugar ice cream

Forget what you know or who you bought along the way

Your only experience is your only prescription and perception

You’ve heard about unicorns and giraffes and lions and mashed them all in your head

But your dreams are your own

On this

Butter yellow pillowcase lay your head

Push push push

To soften

The too hard world

Time is on a boat

She’s holding it in her hand

Movie girl haircut

Lion tattooed leg

She’s heading to Disneyland

Making me sick

Making me cry

Baby dolphin touched by human hands dies

Cow cries

Baby chicks bought

Awakening to perverted politics

Cancer cells grow

Tricks like dreams that seem real

I am a storm

I’ve been in all the houses

Each and every room

I’ve yelled at her at the grocery store

Cried in front of my computer screen

Left your eyes right your eyes

Left your heart

And without my invitation it came back

Empty tree

My hummingbird angel tattooed on your heart

I tremble and fall to a bloody death

Eyes twitching at seeing nothing above me

Nothing below her

I forget

I always lock doors. I love when a house has an alarm system. I watch out for anyone in our neighborhood that lingers. I have fear in my heart.

When I was a tiny toddler my mom’s dear friend Ellen loved me. She took me in her arms everywhere she could. She had a bright smile, shiny hair and a kind easy laugh. I was in elementary school when Ellen’s two teenage children were murdered.

I think I was 7 years old. My mom told me the story: Ellen’s son and daughter had walked home from school, to their house in the country, think wide open spaces, deep woods, dirt roads. A man was in the house in the process of robbing them. There was something about a gun. There was something about her son trying to protect his sister. There was something about a bed. There was something about the daughter being found naked and dead and bloody in the shower, I was told she was trying to “seduce” her attacker, her murderer. It wouldn’t be until much later that of course I knew, this poor girl was raped. And there are more details that my memory protects me from.

I like doors locked. I watch people everywhere I go. I listen to my gut. I have fear.