so life is endlessly coming to an end. full of transitions, choices and beginnings. i was thinking today that everything seems much more clear when you're pushed so far that you have to let go. when you have no other option in whatever the choice or change that is upon you, you have to step back and let go. why and how can this be so useful, painful and challenging? i tried to let go today, just a little, and everything in a quick quiet moment was clear. my mind felt open and my eyes filled with tears as i sat in traffic and eliot was listening to they might be giants here come the abcs. and then it was gone.

my grandma amelia has been given a few more days to live, even though seven weeks ago she was given one to two weeks to live, this seems like this is going to happen soon.

in this ending i want and need to find the gifts and the love that are endless. the things that make you live forever. from the way she stood, she speaks and she's living. she's always said, "that just tickles me" and "god bless 'em" and rattling off grandkids names when we were little she always ended with 'josephine' (even though there was no josephine.)   how she's wise, strong, solid and relaxed. she's deep, sweet and full of love. she's fair, funny and easy to be with. and the way she is letting go of this life. and as she lets go will she have a moment that is clear and filled with beauty? and will it last forever?

the last time we spoke on the phone i told her i was just thinking about her and wanted to call and she replied brightly, "thanks, do it again!" and i said i would and i told her i loved her and she said the same. and i will.

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