We’ve been in socal for three and a half months. We went to Barcelona, husband also went to DC. We spent a lot of time in hospitals and now it’s time to make a decision: What’s next? Where are we going?

I want an amazing school for Eliot. I want family. I want sunshine & warmth. I want delicious raw vegan food. I want yoga & boot camp & places to run. I want to travel. I want affordability. I want beauty. I want to decorate. I want friends. I want a home I love. I want a home in a place all three of us will love and thrive in. Bliss out. I want to become a yoga instructor. I want to learn more about nutrition. I want a place of our own. I want to feel free and happy, alive and awake. I want to build an alter to pray and meditate at. I want to feel someplace deeply because I am, not because it is. I want to wear pretty dresses, so pretty you might wonder how come. And if you were inside my head you’d know it’s just because dressing like you’re on your way to eat cupcakes and buy balloons is one of my favorite feelings (even if I’m not).

Too many choices has halted our vision. I’m now open to ideas, suggestions, places, times, maps and all. I mean how long is this all going to last? No one knows. And I mean life. I’m scared to move forward because what if it’s the wrong choice and I regret it and I don’t live long enough to experience the fulfillment I think I’ll have in places A, B or C? How can I surrender? How can I get out of my own way? Where is the bliss out place & does it matter? Is it all in me already? Tortured and exalted all at once and I simply need to let go and go on & be at peace with all that life has shown me. Lucky & blessed. Loved & present to that love. Isn’t that the most important place to be?

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