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“Why didn’t you fucking tell me you were going through this?”

he took down his double-stacked pants

to reach the vein

in front of a frosted window

that doesn’t open

slow and loose feet follows follows

no falls

compassion puffs smoke in the air

and dropping

dropping

dropping

into flight

peeking through paper ribbons

Remember when we reached

100 days?

I don’t wear blue too often

Do you listen the way you want to be heard?

the way you want

the way you want to be heard.

I need to talk about the fire

I need to talk about the fear

and bandaids.

When sloths fly

I’ll find the beginning of that dream.

Have you been to the beginning of a dream?

Did you breathe there?

Did you feel courage?

She thinks he’s been betraying himself

for his whole life

like a blur and a crash

and he’ll never ask,

“How have you loved?”

So when I saw the pink ocean in July

I chased it through the rain

to ask the question

for him

I can’t go home

I can’t change my name

I’m my only home

I spoke with the swans

they don’t blame anyone

who’s long

Who’s your nurse

Who’s praying for pain

braced and alone

my clothes sleep

inside a mirror where at night

the piano teacher’s ghost

makes the dog bark

The agreement they made

was not agreed on by me

the silence, the sweeping

the kidnapping of emotions-

bomb your barbies

I want to live

I want to really live

where the papayas grow

Be a sugar lion

a rose inside my heart

I ate salty foods to receive

the message

in a dream

I tried and I’m so tired

You deserve a trophy

for those understanding eyes

I ride your voice

like I ride a swing

like toes that touch clouds

and bellies that fall

I snuck a sugar cube

into my winter glove

but it wasn’t my wedding day

I told you

I’ve told you

I’ve known you before I met you

All I want is New York

in an inappropriate dress

and to forget which perfume I’m wearing

I’m the sidewalk

I’m the rocks

I’m the boulders in Central Park

I admire the puppies

(because they know the city better than I do)

And my heart never leaves this place

Sweating and swooning

at murals and taxis

and miscounting the blocks as I walk

My skin respects the memories

that know this isn’t mine

because we all belong here

like the dirt in the air

in the best city

I float

In jello sneakers

and my insides sparkle

because you call me

Tell me where I can’t go

Tell me what I shouldn’t do

She left you for herself and

When I recognize the narcissist in me

no longer heavy-eyed

my optimism grows from a well of pain

I’m a paper rhino trying to be friends

with a leopard

who turned into a blue-haired girl

The cost of comfort is more

than one blackbird’s life

I keep you away from me

So What If I Liked You

never was there a word for you

you’re a prophet?

You brought a caramel.

As each dish chips,

we’ll throw them away

until the cupboards are empty

there’ll be nothing left to use

nothing to eat from

nothing to pack

just aprons to burn

She’ll be ready for us to go then

(maybe she’s already ready)

the piano teacher’s ghost

I hope she’ll wish us well

the house emptied

and we’ll forever be grateful

for the home

that the purple swift built

Sharks biting bravery

Longing for someone’s laugh

that you love

A show of grace

A rainbow break

Paint on clothes

eating outside in a new green dress

it’s Friday

Sharks biting hope

I asked for spices that make you sweat

heart-shaped sunglasses

and promises

of a milk bubble tea for dessert

we’re in the sun like a tiger’s wedding day

Sharks biting comfort

until you see the magical thinking

on the inside

to know it’s special

to know it’s good

to know it’s so personal and universal all at once

Sharks biting love

you’re in the waters and

you are home

with a family that deserves to bloom

Today, I decided to be lucky

no need to tell me

How to write and format and even think about a wish list for 2020? Hello, this is hard- I see you and 2020 is, well no one’s first choice.

I usually like to make a list that’s full of my favorites plus things I would be grateful to receive and this year I’ll be adding some things I know are on their way but aren’t yet available at this date- but are coming soon. And at the end of this post is a list of artists I love and links. Okay- here we go.

Lush– I want and need more Snow Fairy in my life. I’ve realized my personal favorite way Lush makes this scent is the powder and I wish I could buy it in large quantities. https://www.lushusa.com/body/deodorants-and-dusting-powders/fairy-dust/9999906460.html Also the body spray is perfect- https://www.lushusa.com/fragrances/body-sprays/snow-fairy/9999908423.html

My wish list of books is too long but includes- Untamed by Glennon Doyle, Dolly Parton’s Songteller, How Emotions Are Made, The Green Witch, The Art of Gathering, I’m Still Here by Austin Channing Brown, Cosmic Care by Robin Eisneberg, Who Do You Think You Are by Alice Harman, Smoke Gets In Your Eyes by Caitlin Doughty, Everything is Spiritual by Rob Bell, Book of Questions, What Do You Do With A Chance, What Do You Do With a Problem, Behave: The Biology of Humans at Our Best and Worst, Know My Name by Chanel Miller, Feel it Out by Jordan Sondler, and last but not least – Resistance by Tori Amos. TOO MANY BOOKS.

I love and always recommend Sol de Janeiro products because I’m obsessed. https://soldejaneiro.com/

I also love perfume and I have three top favorite brands that never go wrong- Olo https://olofragrance.com/, Maison Louis Marie (in particular number 4 is my favorite) https://maisonlouismarie.com/products/no-04-bois-de-balincourt-perfume-oil and Imaginary Authors https://imaginaryauthors.com/ (my current favorite is their collab with Salt & Straw which I begged my partner to buy and give to me the weekend we learned it existed. I’m annoying and impatient and was too excited.) https://imaginaryauthors.com/products/a-whiff-of-wafflecone. Perfume is life.

This aggressively sensitive t by Ambivalently Yours is so good- I mean sharks, flowers, and sentiment – all winners for me. https://www.etsy.com/listing/894756546/aggressively-sensitive-t-shirt?ref=shop_home_active_2&crt=1

Herbivore Clothing https://www.herbivoreclothing.com/ favorites include their stay at home champion sweats and soaps from Perennial.

It makes me extra extra bummed to not be visiting LA for the holidays because I’d be racing to this pop-up and buying a lot of stuff from the Beachwood Boutique for myself and family and friends. https://www.instagram.com/beachwoodboutique/

Can I put my games on the list right here in the middle? https://pinktigergames.com/ Pink Tiger Games is up and I’m taking your orders! I also absolutely love and want for you to purchase wherever it’s most convenient for you. Store lists are updated on IG the most, and available in my saved stories: https://www.instagram.com/pinktigergames/. And if you’d like to go directly to read about each game you can find Flatter Me here: https://flatterme.cards/. And You Think You Know Me here: https://youthinkyouknowme.cards/. Sorry, one more thing- if you sign up for my Pink Tiger Games mailing list you’ll be the first to know about what’s coming up next!

I really want to try this product from Krave, Great Barrier Relief https://kravebeauty.com/collections/shop-all/products/great-barrier-relief because Rhian https://www.instagram.com/rhian_hy/ says it’s awesome and I believe everything she says because her recs are always spot on. And she opened ytykm and Flatter Me recently on this video https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uYL9xCtvpM0&t=1220s and I cried hi hello do you know me.

I really want and need a selfie light for filming talks, zoom, product photos, videos and more. Is this all one light? Does anyone know? Here for your suggestions for sure.

Going back to games for a second- I really want some Pink Tiger Games merch because the logo Marlowe Dobbe https://www.instagram.com/marlowedobbe/ created for me brings me a lot of joy.

This cloud set with a cropped sweatshirt and cozy pants from Naclo Apparel looks incredibly good and the prices on everything are too good to be true. https://www.shopnaclo.com/product-page/the-cloud-set

Dreamy dress from Fashion Brand Company that I kind of want to splatter paint all over: https://www.fashionbrandcompany.com/collections/new/products/the-virgin-gown-mini

My Adam JK list includes this sweatshirt: https://shop.adamjk.com/collections/apparel/products/good-things-embroidered-sweatshirt and this t: https://shop.adamjk.com/collections/apparel/products/do-what-you-love-t-shirt and also this sweatshirt: https://shop.adamjk.com/collections/apparel/products/feelings-crewneck and definitely his tarot deck: https://shop.adamjk.com/collections/featured/products/the-ok-tarot-deck.

All I want is to feel cozy because I’m cold all of the time so these socks from Barefoot Dreams look great to me: https://www.barefootdreams.com/products/cozychic-youth-socks

This top from People of Leisure looks perfect in every way that I love- puff sleeves, crop, soft fabric- yes yes yes: https://peopleofleisure.co/collections/tops-and-tanks/products/the-jade?variant=36353609236643 And thanks to A Small Closet https://www.instagram.com/asmallcloset/ for sharing this brand because I hadn’t heard of it!

How many sweatshirts can I wish for wow- these are from Phenomenal Woman: https://phenomenalwoman.us/collections/ambitious-collection/products/ambitious and another https://phenomenalwoman.us/collections/new-products/products/pro-science-pro-dolly-crewneck-sweatshirt.

Oh look, another sweatshirt I own from Gender Reveal and it’s perfect and can highly recommend to you. https://teespring.com/surf-shark-hoodie?tsmac=store&tsmic=gender-reveal&pid=212&cid=5842

Coming soon – a new Andre Aciman book of essays! These hair clips by Sara Lyons which I think will be arriving this week – https://www.instagram.com/p/CHbFTfkFOiP/. And this book by some awesome Portland people coming in 2021: https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/639453/the-portland-book-of-dates-by-eden-dawn-and-ashod-simonian/.

In closing- I love tattoos, trips to Hawaii and New York and LA, ridiculous emotional dresses, working out, perfume, the darkest chocolate on earth, shopping secondhand on The RealReal https://www.therealreal.com/, making games, writing, reading, research, being warm, staying healthy and at home, and good vegan foods- but mostly desserts.

I love you and I miss you. Be safe. Be well. And I’m here if you need me.

xo- Ami

p.s. Some artists I love: Kinoko Gallery http://kinokogallery.com/. Shanalee Hampton https://shanaleehampton.bigcartel.com/. Fiona Hewitt https://www.fionahewitt.com/. Whitney Marie Anderson https://whitneymarieanderson.com/. Jordan Sondler https://shopjordansondler.com/. GDBEE Art https://gdbee.store/.

I am often asked what my background is by new friends in the gaming industry. And I love questions- I enjoy any kind of deep analysis into the whys and the hows and wheres. My sometimes boring standard answer is that I was a massage therapist, then a personal trainer, and also homeschooled my son. When I go a little deeper I answer with a little more, including how I always find people extremely fascinating- both inside and out which prompted my work and interest in massage and physical activity- both things, in my experience, that are very healing mentally, physically, and emotionally. But connecting through conversation, writing and self-talk are really at the core of my inspiration and motivation. I live for heartfelt moments of connection.

But, I’ve hesitated my whole life to say out loud that I write poetry. I’ve feared, like a lot of us do, that I wouldn’t be thought good enough. I also used to make endless amounts of drawings and paintings but one innocuous comment made by a high school art teacher firmly planted the negative seeds of doubt for a rotten tree that I already believed existed. Why would I try when so many other people were doing it and doing it better than I ever could? Whatever “it” even was- insert whichever creative endeavor you dare to.

I have memories from when I was very young- making games out of pens, paper and tape. I played games but didn’t like when I didn’t easily understand the rules. I loved game shows, talk shows, reading, listening to music, and writing lyrics. I loved design and fashion and fantasied about owning a gallery and store. I pictured the gallery upstairs and the store at street level. I pictured parties and art, white walls and tiled floors.

I’ve followed dreams in my life and have been very stubborn about how they’ve been carried out- truly always wanting my way. When I’m focused and determined I go and go and go until I can be as close to what I want as possible.

In May of 2017 I had the idea for You Think You Know Me, which I’ve shared here before. When something hits like that it’s magical. I’ve had people say, “oh, I get it it’s like your baby.” And I always think, no- which I try to communicate in the most respectful way possible. Having a child and having an idea and making it real in the world are two very different things from my view. My games are for everyone and they’ve come through me and they are a part of me but they’re for all of us- they’re for you. And my son, he’s for himself and I’m just lucky to love someone the way I love him.

With that I need to say, who cares? As I entered my 40s I started to ask myself the question, “who cares?” And I wish this could have come sooner for me but it didn’t so now when I ask, ‘who cares’ I’m really asking both- who sincerely cares about what I’m making and doing and who cares- why not me? Who cares whether or not I follow my heart and my dreams? Why not me? So here we are- I now make games. And my wish for you is to do the things you want to do- and find the people who care- they will find you and it’s thrilling. I’m so grateful.

Three years into making games, I still have so much to learn. I have ambition. I’m so super lucky to have a supportive partner that when I can’t figure something out, he’s completely reliable and has my back. Andy is a quick-learner and if he doesn’t know something (I find he does know most things) he figures it out or asks another helpful and clever person. Also, he approaches everything with a clear coat of empathy. He’s amazing.

Flatter Me: A Compliment Battle Card Game has just come out. You Think You Know Me’s third printing is arriving right now. I’ve been working all through quarantine on my third game which I’ll announce soon. And that ‘who cares’ mantra has only grown louder in my mid-40s and in lockdown. I really care so much. I have lofty dreams for Pink Tiger Games- the name of my new game company as of May 2020. I have expansion packs written for all three games- just trying to decide how many cards and designing boxes- and of course I need capital and a warehouse and a distributor and and and.

And that brings me to why I sat down to write this all out to begin with. I wanted to make a list, in no particular order, of all of the things I do as an indie game creator/business owner, but I guess I needed a little time for reflection too.

Games are so fun to create and play and I am compelled beyond myself to make them and I only want to grow and grow and grow. Brains can really beat you down so to actively flipping that heavy narrative of ‘I can’t’ to ‘who cares I can and I will’ I still have to delicately box with every single day. Also, I find most people want to help you if they can and sometimes you just need to ask. I can’t say enough how incredibly grateful I am.

So, here goes- all of these are vital components to my daily work life: write, research, stores, email, distributors, game makers, game publishers, social media, meetings, kickstarter, communication, invoices, warehouses, purchase orders, press, press inquiries, reaching out to press, sketching, playtesting, listening, reading, note taking, bank accounts, shipping, photography, emotional learning, social learning, rest, gift stores, game stores, book stores, printers, quotes, card stock, boxes, game rules, storage, promo games, festivals, conventions, shopping events, influencers, ads, marketing, gifts, prototypes, meeting new people for fresh perspectives, inspiration, design research, amazon, budgeting, pricing, partnering, layout, editing, websites, and I’ll probably add more stuff as I think of it.

Thanks for reading and thanks for being here.

xoxo

Soft

We’ve resolved into softness

Knock me into the heat

Some kind of tropical volcano-pineapple

upside down situation

to get lost in

we soften

We’re sun ghosts exposed

I can only relate to daydreamers

We’re deep in the stars

It’s the end of summer

so I’m no longer protecting my skin

I need every ray to make its mark,

I need every sun kissed freckle

When we’re dust

When we’re sugar

We send a message to the fire,

You can rest