If she had known
about plants
and pink moons
she’d add a panda to her memories
and rebel more
She would never drive in anger
and spend more time without covers
If she had known
of these terrible parallels
seasons of betrayal repeating
through the seeded soil
through the souls
(now she doesn’t have to go fast
she’s got bodies to listen to)
But if she had just known
there’s not one kind of pretty
and not one kind of plenty
you wouldn’t have been her last wish
of wonder

Don’t be gone
flex your muscle
take your heart out
I owe you so much
Little moth,
please stay
I want to know you
and your friends
Sheep have a bad reputation
but they stick together and I like them
I forget the year sometimes and he forgets the day
so between us we maybe can live without age
or the illusion of time
I’m distracted by my own yellow
over this rainbow
tattooed by time
mirrors are hysterical and
you have left so much inside of my heart

Racing the birds
I smile easily
I never care to win
he has so many smiles
I hope to always know them all
Does he know he’s the best
Does he know how grateful I am for his existence, his love
What kind of place
do we pay everyday
with whose wings
What did little Rose possibly want
that you couldn’t give her
so you forgot to save her life
(We could have saved her life)
What will happen next
for a baby goat
when a 7 year old child leaves too early
it’s not her fault

When a girl showed up

She didn’t know

She wasn’t wanted

But her skin knew

So through the years the message traveled to her heart

She could still pretend better than anyone

She could forget and forgive so well she deserved a little trophy

Until he said it

Over tiki drinks and tears, “I didn’t fight for you. I didn’t know what to do with a girl.”

Like one hundred spinning tiny painted cocktail umbrellas (doubly stolen)

by this tropical themed bar,

she felt them pierce her

she didn’t move

hoping this moment would disappear, that her eyes wouldn’t reveal the soul ache

of this truth

that truly didn’t need to be said.

Stolen was the experience of her being loved by him.

 

I’m always more afraid of death in summer

Sticky feet fail to feel the earth

misplaced life jackets

it’s so dangerous

in sad currents

where cold is welcomed but frightening

but cold

but welcome still and I’m alone

no more stars and hearts to round out the sentimental request

that could maybe

bring you home

Looks like New York

Smells like Barcelona

Reality is more real

when death has made a close visit

Can I admire you and forget?

Remember you but pass clouds without care?

How do you measure this familiar disappointment along with

bright lights

and a hunger

to be big

I’m not the receiver any more

It’s fine

It’s better

She drowned

I’m the river

or maybe the paper doll

who lost all of her clothes

It’s fine

It’s better

for us both

 

The feelings and memories remain

in the bones

blood stars shooting

I wouldn’t have the chance to forgive before death

I wouldn’t know where I was or what time even is

ears gasping from explosions

as nothing

Two weeks ago I finished 4 weeks of a program based on Bret Contreras’ work. For the last two weeks I modified it to a few different moves and increased weight in some lifts. Below are the changes from where I ended November 8th and where I am as of today, the 22nd. Slowly trying to reach my pre-car accident numbers. Little turtle. Coming right along. xo.

Height 4’11” Weight 106lbs

Back Squat: 3×5 120lbs to 1×1 145lbs.

Weighted Chin-ups: 3×5 10lbs. Swithed to Pull-ups 3×5 with 15lbs.

Deadlifts: 3×5 155lbs to 1×1 200lbs.

Dumbbell Rows: 3×12 & 3×8 15lbs to 35lbs. Changed to renegade rows at 3×6 35lbs.

Hip Thrusts: 3×10 & 3×5 135lbs to 235lbs. Changed to 3 times per week and didn’t test.

Military Press/Push Press: 3×8 & 3X5: 50-65lbs varying. Now at 75lbs Push Press.

Chin-ups: 3x AMRAP: 9 reps. Switched to Pull-ups: 3X10.

Bench Press: 3×8 & 3×5 at 85lbs to 1×1 100lbs.

Dumbbell Bench Press: 3×10 15lbs to 30lbs. Didn’t test.

CW for body talk.

On Sunday, October 13th a trainer that I follow on Instagram, Bret “Glute Guy” Contreras posted a 5 days a week training schedule- it was short and sweet and would help direct and focus my time in the gym so I decided to commit to it for 4 weeks. Below is my strength progress at the start and at the finish, mostly for my own records, but just in case it’s useful or interesting to anyone else I wanted to share it!

Also of note, I was in a car accident in June this year and I had to avoid weights for over three months while going to the doctor three times a week. This was hard for me, as it would be for anyone, but I had been doing Crossfit for about eight years usually 5 to 6 days a week so this impacted my whole self. I wanted and needed my reentry to the gym to be very careful so I’ve listened to everything my chiropractor has told me to do and not to do. I’m so so happy and appreciative to my friends at the gyms, at the doctors, in real life and online for all of the support. I’m so grateful to be feeing my muscles in a happy way again. So here we go.

Week one began Monday, October 14th and week four ended on Friday, November 8th.

Height 4’11” Weight 106 lbs

Back Squat: 3×5 start 90 lbs to 120 lbs.

Weighted Chin-ups: 3×5 0 lbs to 10 lbs.

Deadlifts: 3×5 125 lbs to 155 lbs.

Dumbbell Rows: 3×12 & 3×8 15 lbs to 35 lbs.

Hip Thrusts: 3×10 & 3×5 135 lbs to 235 lbs.

Military Press/Push Press: 3×8 & 3X5: 50-65 lbs varying.

Chin-ups: 3x AMRAP: 6 to 9 reps.

Bench Press: 3×8 & 3×5 65 lbs to 85 lbs.

Dumbbell Bench Press: 3×10 15 lbs to 30 lbs.