I need to be up
I need to be brave for the impact
shoulders back
chest to the clouds
round the cream
bright the pink
arrive after dancing
show them everything
tears in her mask
shake like rainbows
warmth by the poolside with that feeling
like it’s the end of the movie
but the beginning for her
Rabbits up!
Word up!
with gentle kindness
and a tiger’s curiosity
that fills this water cup
She’s up

Regards

As we walk
with regards to your heart
with regards to the mess
I wait for white flowers in white vases
blob along little ocean
breathe down little shark
the patience this takes
the grief of this experience
the pain
the blood
the fear
With mask marks on their faces forever
Do you know who you are at 3am
If you’ll draw a map for me
I’ll make one for you
so we can find a way someday

I hear sirens
the sirens are coming for who
I think it’s me but I’m not bleeding
I think it’s me but the lights aren’t arriving
I wish it was me because I need taking
I wish it was me because I need receiving
I dreamt it was me for the attention
who is free from this need
who dissolves into beauty
who isn’t sour with unforgivable feelings

My red sweatshirt is filled with holes
it’s a soft wreck of clothing
a soft comfortable wreck
a soft
A saw a little girl with a birthday
in a war
a candle placed on top a stack of books
her Pretend cake
I saw her beam
I saw her wish
she looked cold
and her heart looked so big

I struggle to dance with all of these knives
but with ease I’ll try to marry you

I’m as hungry as you
with an appetite to eat the sun
like yellow cake
pretending me loving me
like papaya
papaya
papaya
I’ll take my heart back thank you
you can’t hold my soul
I won’t talk about my protection
the wild animals I keep close
are none of your business
I’ll be as thirsty as I need to be
reach Jupiter with my barehands
and scoop stars into my eyes
as my ears pour rainbows
because my love is all I know of you
I can never ever leave you
I’m not patient for anyone or anything
besides you and the moons

I step through my home differently
when I’m alone
the demons need somewhere to go
if they’re in my feet or my knees
who’s to say
the most precious things
are crumpled in a closet
I only live in summer
Judge your grief
Judge your worries
Judge your love

If I told you how the words come
placing myself face down
in the warm sand
generous and empty
filled and gone
I could walk away feeling safe
Feeling light
Feeling so open
So when can we go

Because I know
the ghosts are falling
I think they’re melting
and I only dream
of being gentle, well,
and brave

it’s okay to go slow
it’s okay to love
it’s okay to love more
it’s okay to realize you thought you knew but had no idea
it’s time to believe yourself
it’s time to go where the mermaids live
and sit and sit and sit

I hear your face
and fear polka dot clouds
I’ll eat orange fruit and
lean into the sun
without shame or regrets
leave me alone
with dresses and wishes
I’ll wish on whatever I want
there’s a parade of ghosts
that have all run out of ideas

so there’ll be no more saving
only patience that grates on the gentleness
I thought lived within me
I strain to swim
the rocks are rough
but when the wave lets me
I’ll breathe again
so grateful for the expected tossing
the bloody knees
the salty hair
the sand all tucked in for later
it’s all just so terrible
there’s so much to wait for
and there’s so much to feel
until it’s over

Don’t want to hear about the end of summer
or the ghosts in the graveyard
I know they’re there
I feel them in the wind
the colder mornings are a reminder
that September is on her way
eat a peach and think of sunshine but stay in the shade
write a love letter in the sand
because the ocean
is the only one with permission
to know my heart
(disappearing without dispute)
Erasing without a thought of forgiveness
or a eulogy
if you stay where papaya
is available everyday
her soul will probably live
just as long
and as happily as it likes
there’s a concert in the cemetery
but she won’t laugh
or dance
with death just yet
but the sunshine
the sun shines

I kissed her face all over even though I knew it might be too much
I squeezed her feet and said goodbye quietly in the dark
I was told she didn’t finish her key lime pie but instead just fell asleep for always
I heard he waited for his child to arrive
I remember Hawaii through my five year old eyes and her bald happy head
I’m sure she fought the river water with all of her heart
I saw him chopped off at the legs, watching a spicy show on the hospital room television
I know his heart stopped in a chair in the desert
I was there before she disappeared, where they once planted a cherry tree for my birth
I was told her first and truest love died in the mines when she was young
I’m pretty sure he loved big and lied big
I know she left a note in a hotel in New York

The time she speaks of isn’t mine
I wasn’t there then
I experienced nothing
I missed greatly the divine
and trips to Paris
a braided bride
it’s not my timeline
you’ll still have to eat
under the frog king’s spell
the riches, rivers, and roads
with grey hair they can’t touch
she’ll spin and you’ll wait for the final
trade wind wish
where ashes and music float
I can’t remember what my feet feel like touching the ground
but I still hope